One of my duties this academic year is to evaluate faculty applications. Faculty applicants are people who have nearly completed their PhDs, and should therefore Know Better. It doesn't really matter what sort of complaint I have about their writing; they should Know Better. That's their job. And since several friends (who may be readers too) are among their ranks or will be soon, maybe they can benefit from my experience.

Today's lesson concerns the word "utilize". It's simple, really. Here's the rule: if you use the word "utilize", you will look stupid. It's worse than that, actually. You will look like someone desperately trying to sound smart, and failing. Use the word "use" and move on.

I'll back down a bit and admit that there is a vanishingly small set of cases in which it makes sense to use "utilize". Which brings me to a brief addendum to the rule: yours is not one of those cases. Nevertheless, you can consult the entry from the American Heritage Dictionary for the details.

Next lesson: if you claim that your written English is idiomatic, make sure that you do so using a well-formed English sentence.

[update: 03 December at 11:56]: I'm forced to back down a bit from my hard-line position. Bec wrote in to ask about the popular computer-related phrase "CPU utilization". Now mere popularity doesn't ensure the correctness of a phrase, particularly among computer scientists. But Bec's right -- thinking about this phrase in the context of the entry in the American Heritage dictionary, I would say that "CPU utilization" is more appropriate than "CPU use" or "CPU usage". I offered a blanket rule because writers are more likely to substitute "utilize" for "use" than the other way around, and should be discouraged from doing so. But because, according to Rachel, this entry has launched an anti-utilize revolution, I feel I should offer a more precise rule.

To utilize something is a little more abstract than merely to use it. I utilize something by finding a use for it; by making it useful or applicable; by putting it into service; by establishing or discovering its utility. So utilization of an object may encompass a number of instances of using it. I use a CPU by executing machine language instructions on it. I utilize a CPU by keeping it busy running lots of different programs. That's why "CPU utilization", as a percentage measure of the CPU's activity level, is an appropriate use of "utilize". Another example: I use a hammer by driving a nail into a wall with it, or tenderizing veal with it. I utilize a hammer by buying a house, thereby ensuring many specific uses in the years to come (including tenderizing veal!).

The Fowler brothers provide simple and effective advice in The King's English: Don't use a complicated word when a simple one would suffice. Good books on English writing (like King's English) are wonderful to read, because the writers are usually bitter, curmudgeonly and sarcastic, and think the whole world is intent on making their lives miserable through poorly-constructed prose. Sound like anyone you know?

And we're back! I'm not actually writing this entry from the new Thingo headquarters (I'm on campus). But I could be. Let me try to summarize the past few days.

• The move itself went very smoothly. The movers got off to an early start. They were at the apartment by 8:10, having already made an earlier stop at Eric's grandfather's house to pick up some items that he sold us. They were done unloading at our new base of operations by 2:00.
• Incredibly, the phone and DSL connections were transferred seamlessly to the house on moving day. I always assume the worst from what should amount to flicking a switch. But we were up and running with phone and internet the same day. We even got to keep our old phone number.
• The cats were freaked out at first, but they seem to be settling back to their usual routines now, albeit in a much larger space.
• We've made several trips to Home Depot and other stores by now, mostly for small things. We also did some painting. But we have been admiring some of the costlier possibilities for the future of the house: wood blinds, hardwood floors, new windows, countertops, and so on. It can all wait.

  On the other hand, we quickly discovered that my mother was 100% right: the fridge was going to be inadequate for our needs. On Saturday we bought a lovely new fridge, to be delivered in a week or two. We were going to buy it at Home Depot, but amazingly they refused my application for credit (probably because I refused to provide my SIN in the application). So much the better -- we went somewhere else that had a better selection, gave us a comparable price, and didn't lock us into a store credit card.

• One other purchase we may need to make is a new toilet -- the one in the upstairs bathroom doesn't seem to flush very well. While at Home Depot, we checked out the options. And that's where we were introduced to The Champion, a new toilet by American Standard. I think you can guess what model we'll be getting. I mean, how can you not buy a toilet called The Champion?
• Eric's grandfather sold us a bedroom set, an end table, and a piano. I'm excited about all these pieces, but I'm especially happy about finally owning a piano. I always swore that when I finally found a permanent home, I'd fill it with a piano. He gave us a very reasonable price, too. "Reasonable" probably isn't even the right word. "Ludicrous" is a better indicator of his generosity.

  I was curious to know more about the piano. I gave my local music store the name of the manufacturer (Mason & Risch) and the serial number. They told me that this piano was built in 1917. Because of its age and the reputation of the brand, it might someday be worthwhile to have it restored. If I can afford it, it might be worthwhile in any case -- it's a beautiful instrument.

• We have mice. Or some other small creature that likes to scratch around in attics. I know mice are cute, but they are pests and must therefore die. I suggested humane traps to Nath and she thought I wanted to set the mice free. No, no, no -- the humane traps would keep them alive long enough that the mice could be given to pet stores and fed to snakes. Perhaps "humane" is a bit misleading in this case.
• The previous owners installed many grounded electrical sockets for us. Unfortunately, they didn't put any in the office. So the computer is relegated to the basement until an electrician can come and rewire the office. Yuck. On the plus side, while I have an electrician around I'll get some CAT 5 (networking cable) run through various parts of the house.
• Yesterday, I raked the yard. Like, with a rake. It was just like old times, when me and my pa would rake all the leaves into a great big pile and I would jump in it and we would laugh and laugh. Yeah, like that ever happened. I was lucky I even knew what a rake looked like (thank goodness for those cartoons where some poor sap steps on one).
• I damaged my laptop while unpacking. I dropped my framed bacherlor's degree on the keyboard (see? a little knowledge is a dangerous thing), , cracking some keys and denting the membrane. Of course, it still works just fine (it is a Mac, after all). But I'll replace the keyboard.
• We're almost finished unpacking. This was also our experience a year ago, when we moved into our first Canadian headquarters. We like unpacking, and we do it efficiently. I'm sure the fact that we've been moving into ever larger spaces doesn't hurt either. Pity Nath's parents, who moved from a huge house into a cozy apartment.

Although moving day is officially set for Thursday, the move has really been underway for some time. Almost everything that's not furniture has already been moved to the new house. Hauling capacity was provided in no small part by the enormous beast of a vehicle that I rented over the weekend. The car rental place was out of minivans, and gave me a Chevy Tahoe as a result. This thing makes minivans look like Mini Coopers. I felt so filthy driving around in one of these things. I guess I took comfort in the fact that I didn't have to pay -- I actually needed the car for University business as well, so I can justify submitting it as an expense.

I'm almost out of things to pack, and that means it's time to begin taking down the things I have the hardest time living without. Of course, I'm referring to the computer and the stereo. Don't worry, I'll pull through somehow. Actually, things are not as bleak as they may seem. My laptop fills in admirably as both computer and stereo.

After I finish this entry, it's time to box up the computer for the move. Therefore, this marks the last Thingo entry from our current world headquarters. We will shortly resume regular (?) updates from our updated facilities (Nath's there painting right now), about two kilometres west of here. Because Thingo is hosted by OFB, you should expect uninterrupted service during the move.

Back soon!

Bec (from Happybox) sent me a message congratulating me on my high ratings at ratemyprofessors.com. Indeed, it's a pleasure and a relief to see the positive feedback on that site. Generally speaking, I'm much more confident of my abilities as a teacher than as a researcher, and so it's good to know that a strong showing in the former might help compensate for weakness in the latter in the eyes of the dreaded P&T (promotion and tenure) committee. Of course, that point of view might be a delusion; P&T traditionally weighs research much more heavily than teaching, even though in theory they are of equal importance.

But those philosophical musings are all a side note to a much more earth-shattering discovery. After receiving Bec's email, I checked the site again and discovered that I had merited the coveted chili pepper! That means that I am officially hot. Oh yeah, baby. I'm your big daddy soul-lovin' prof, ready to get your learn on. Ahem.

On a related note, I highly recommend the song "Math Prof Rock Star" by the band Jim's Big Ego. It's groovy in a kind of Barenaked-Ladies-meets-The-Pursuit-of-Happiness way. Especially cool is that the band seems to disdain the RIAA's "sue your customers" intellectual property policies. They sell their songs individually over the web and encourage fans to share them, with the proviso that it costs a lot of money to make albums and so people should eventually pony up a little cash.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm a big fan of the Ode to Joy. It's a monumental, triumphant symphonic work, and a great achievement by a composer who was stone deaf when he wrote it.

Still, I wish my downstairs neighbour would stop picking it out on the piano, haltingly, in octaves, for an hour every night, as they have done for the past two months. If I get any more joy I'm going to start shooting.

I've just got to keep my eye on the prize -- we're moving in just over two weeks. Now that'll be some real freakin' joy.